Trying To Listen

This post might be a bit on the heavy side, so if you're skimming for an easy, breezy update, you might want to skip this one!

Over the past several months, and specifically maybe the past 3, God is teaching me (us) some things. I've been tossing them around in my head and talking about them with a few friends, and I thought it would be a good idea to share them here in the remote possibility my personal lessons are relevant to someone else out there! Or maybe they are just especially for me. In any event...I will title these little nuggets and present them to you:)


"He's Not Like That"

It's about to get real up in here, because this one is rather gut-spilling. In January, I was presented an opportunity to travel to Cambodia with a very small group of wonderful people. Some way, somehow, God concocted a trip with people I really liked, going somewhere I really wanted to go, working toward a cause I really cared about, by doing a project that was right up my alley (writing and food). I had some reservations about the cost and about being that far away from my family, but ultimately, it was another reason that I said no. I said no because I wanted to get pregnant. With some things happening next year, Ted and I decided we'd either try for baby 3 right away, or else we'd need to put it off for 8 or so months in order to have a baby at an "ideal" time (feel free to smirk at the obvious control illusion here). Knowing that God had created this opportunity for me to serve Him and a small part of his family and even having clearly heard from Him while praying that I should go, I chose to stay home and pounce on the small "make a baby NOW" window. I felt a little sick to my stomach at my clear disobedience, but pressed on with my own plans. You know the rest of the story. I got pregnant. When I saw those two pink lines in the upstairs bathroom that February morning, I had to have a little cry. Not over the excitement of a pregnancy, but at the twisted notion of God I'd carried in my head in the weeks prior. In the back of my mind, I thought He would "punish" me for my disobedience and selfishness, by not giving me what I was chasing. That I wouldn't get pregnant because I didn't deserve it. And I had to have a couple of tears over it, because the intensely liberating, humbling truth sank in that He's not like that. He's not like me, holding wrongs over other people's heads, paying them back for offenses. His love "keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Cor. 13:5. Praise God, He's not like me. How could we worship anyone that was? Long story short--and don't get me wrong--I'm overjoyed about expecting another baby! But the point is, He lets us choose. My choice may have gotten me what I wanted in this moment, but it came at the cost of missing out on something He had for me at the time He picked, that could have resulted in huge blessings to me, to Him and to other people, and maybe even changed a bit of my story in later chapters. I'll never know. But I do know He loves me, whatever decisions I make. He doesn't punish with fury; he teaches with love. And He doesn't think I'm a hopeless waste of time. And He showed me a bit more of His character. "His mercies are new every morning." Lam. 3:22. Even mornings you don't deserve them.

"Better than a Porche"

I said a prayer a few weeks ago, and almost as an afterthought, I tacked on something kind of weird. I asked for something really, kind of obnoxiously specific. I asked for Him to put me in a situation, and then assured him I would hold up my end of the bargain if I ever found myself in said situation (ever pulled those classic "If you...then I'll" type prayers??) My end of the bargain included discussing my faith with someone. I had already deemed this encounter unlikely by the time I finished the prayer. How's that for faith? So I went about life, and events transpired, and one night I found myself involved in the exact circumstance I had asked for that was super unlikely. Now, I've looked back over life and seen God answer my prayers over long periods of time, or recognized answers much later. BUt this the first time I've just been hammered with the answer unfolding in real time, and I was a little caught off guard! I mustered my courage and held up my end. Nothing magnificent happened then...no fireworks or flashes of lightning, but something magnificent happened in me. I felt seen and I felt heard by the God of the universe. There's really nothing better than that, at least that I can think of. It gave me confidence to start asking for more, with a more believing heart. I didn't ask for a Porche, I asked for an opportunity to talk about Him with a friend. He's teaching me that if we ask for something that honors Him, he will likely honor our requests.


"Cash Money"

So Ted and I have been dealing with some financial stuff lately (how's that for honesty?) I won't pretend we're millionaires, because we're not. I also won't pretend we're eating Ramen noodles every night. We are certainly better off than most of the world, and its been a struggle to find balance and steward our resources the way Jesus said to. I used to think that money was a private matter, even private from God. It's not, though. It's so not. The way we spend our money speaks directly of our hearts, and that applies across the board, across the world. God gives us resources with the expectation that it will flow through us to others in need. I have read lots of books this year that have made me so uncomfortable I didn't want to finish them (Radical by David Platt, anyone??) because they dared to question my iPhone-wielding, Target-wandering, latte-sipping lifestyle that I defend as modest to myself all the time. Actually, I could leave a much larger margin for helping others than I do, but I pretend I simply "can't" because my culture lies to me about what's normal and reasonable to have. But God doesn't lie to me. He tells me truth, and my heart half-sinks, half-soars because I know its the truth but Satan colors my world in a jealous, green tint called Comparison. And Comparison looks like a cover girl, but she's really an ugly b**** that feeds us all a steady diet of misery. "Comparison is the thief of joy." So what God is trying to teach me (us)--some days successfully and some days hopelessly--is to fix our eyes on Him. To trust Him with our money. To take Him literally when he says its not an option but a requirement to take care of other people, a requirement that it should be our joy to do! CS Lewis says in Screwtape Letters that prosperity knits a man to the world. That's not what I want to be knit to, to the things in the world. I want to be knit to the God who made the things in the world. So God is teaching us to talk to Him about our money and what's wise to do with it. Which feels intrusive, but why? If Jude wanted to talk to me about how to spend the allowance I gave him, of course I would! I would have given him that allowance in an effort to form him into a mature person, so I have to conclude God gave us resources and wants to be intimately involved in their whereabouts because he's using them to form us into mature people who look "not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others." Its never about my money. Its always about my heart. There's a lot more to say, but its late. Thanks for listening:)

Florida and New Baby

We had a great "Second Annual Mosey Family Spring Fling" in Florida. Yes, that's what I'm calling it. I'm telling you, the panhandle of Florida is heaven in April. We maintained our lucky weather streak of all sunshiny, no rain or cloudy days again this year, hooray! The drive was good and very manageable, and the kids were awesome. We saw Memaw and G-daddy on the way down, and just G-daddy on the way back up. I finally got the fried bologna sandwich I'd been craving...my dad whipped some up at 10pm when we got into Nashville :)

Jude has been talking about/asking about "the green house" (the house we rent is green) ever since last year. Ted and I have found it uncanny the facts and details he remembers from last year, especially since he was TWO years old! He described in vivid detail the "silly" jets in the jacuzzi tub, the sand pails and shovels in the closet, the stairs at the pool he wanted to jump off, the "slippery" sand, and the bunk bed he couldn't wait to sleep on. For the first 48 hours of our trip, his only method of locomotion was a full sprint and his only volume was a full scream. He was wound up like a clock. Another tiny detail from last year that his little brain managed to capture was the box of Fruit Loops dad bought for breakfast. It was declared a tradition, and Jude munched his way through an entire box again this year. Our agenda was mostly alternating between the pool and the beach, napping, reading, watching Lifetime movies, playing Gin Rummy, and going to dinner. We went out to some favorite spots to eat, including a family favorite, The Back Porch. My sister Renee was in Destin the week before us (her kids were on Spring Break) and texted me a picture of a huge plate of steaming crab legs from The Back Porch. So Ted and I went for the kill, cracking and dipping and stuffing our faces with 2 lbs each of crab legs and praying the kids didn't unravel during the process. They held out, and I left there with butter stains on my sundress and a big smile on my face!

We brought our bikes, which was kind of a pain traveling but worth it. We got in two days of long rides down the boardwalk, stopping for coffees and ice cream and enjoying a break from the Monon. The got to see our friends Brad and Taryn, who moved there from Indy, for dinner one night, and drove to Seaside again for the afternoon once. Very fun, very relaxing! I just love it there.

I haven't mentioned it on the blog yet, but we're expecting another baby! I'm 11 weeks, due November 8th. We had a doctor's appointment a few weeks ago and everything looks to be good so far. I've felt really good, which is a huge blessing and totally lucky thing, especially with having 2 others to wrangle. Ada is clueless about the new baby and Jude seems to really be into it...he keeps kissing my belly (how cute is that!?) and talking into my belly button, mostly about showing it his silver train when it comes out:) He seems to adamantly want another sister, and to name her Ada. We keep patiently explaining why that would be confusing.

We are about positive this will be the last kid for us. This was the first kid that was a question of "if" rather than "when." Cheesy, I know, but I've just had that feeling that we're not all here, you know? Plus, Ted and I are both the youngest of three, so we know something good is on the way:) We also both really loved the size of our families, and want to re-create that for the kids if we can. We're fully aware the first few years are going to be exhausting, but we're trying not to base our decision on those tough first years. They will all be pretty close in age, but for us, its better to just rip off the band-aid! It will be hard, and then it will be awesome:) That's my mantra! Plus, I feel like my heart might burst when I look at Jude and Ada sometimes, because they are so precious to me. I want that one more time. And I'm so thankful its happening.

Spring Fever

My heart feels very full today. It's the second day in a week I've been able to sit in the backyard during nap time, reading a book in the sunshine, and listening to the breeze blow around in the empty trees and the kids scream at the school playground across the street. Sometimes the stay-at-home/work-at-home mom thing can feel a little isolating, but this was one of those days where I felt that the grass really was greener on my side of the fence:) I think I'm a Spring-lover:) Every season is awesome, but nothing gets me like Spring. (ironically, its not even Spring yet, and we had SNOW on the ground yesterday....and today I'm in a T-shirt. Oh, Indiana...)

I celebrated (I use the term loosely) my 29th birthday a couple days ago. We didn't exactly celebrate because I had a nasty sinus infection and cough, but the day involved lots of yummy cupcakes and lots of Ted, Jude and Ada, so I was happy.

The kids are growing up. Why do they DO that? Ada is learning the letters of the alphabet. She can repeat most letters you say to her, and can recognize and say several vowels from her ABC books without help. She can wear a ponytail and successfully eat chips with salsa or guacamole, and sing the chorus to "Old McDonald" and handle herself very impressively with a fork. She sits up in her room for long periods of time, in her chair with a stack of books you can hear her "reading" loudly through the monitor. She learned from Jude how to color, and every time we turn around we catch her running away from a large scribble on the wall, clutching a rogue pen or colored pencil or piece of chalk. Those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers were invented just in time! Even with her feistiness, she is easier to parent these days than Jude. (Can I say that?) She is easy to please and easy to comfort, and Jude is just at an age where feeling are flying around ALL over the place. And by feelings, I mean moods and opinions. Which are sometimes positive and lovely, and sometimes downright awful. Some days he's easy going, and other days, he HATES the errands we're running, HATES the food we're eating, HATES his outfit, HATES the fact that Ada is eating a cracker, HATES that Valentine's Day is over....all to the point of tears...you get the idea. It can get emotionally exhausting, and makes me thankful there are two parents! But at the same time, its opened the door for some meaningful conversations with him about life and love and truth and respect and all that good stuff. I've felt like a parent since the kids were born, but here lately with Jude has really been the first time I've felt like I'm parenting, you know? Like in the real, active and child-forming sense of the word. Like with my brains, and not just my hands! The first couple years, you spend all your time just trying to keep them happy. Then all of a sudden one day, there's so much more to it than that. Luckily, Ada is still in the phase where a cookie solves every crisis.

I've got good kids to parent though, that I will never deny! Yesterday when I was washing dishes I overheard Jude going:
"Ada, God made you special and he--STOP IT ADA!--and he loves you very much." I had a good chuckle at the sink. I love them:)

Bring on another year!

Woah, I lost the last 2 months so let's dive in!

Ted
He is awesome lately, albeit busy. He's gearing up for his second residency at school in a few weeks (they are every 8 weeks) and has been doing a ton of work and reading and studying. We are becoming night owls since he started school, since he stays up late reading and I don't like to go to bed without him! Work is going really good. He still beats me out of bed most mornings, running at the crack of dawn with his buddies or doing men's breakfast, or just getting up and wrangling the kids! He just does it....all. The man does it all! And he'd really like you to get behind Ron Paul:)

Me
I'm really good. I don't know why exactly, but I am. Ted has been super encouraging of me and getting behind my interests, and I owe a lot of good stuff to his pushing and prodding me. Sometimes I'm content to just wonder and wish, and he always pushes me a step further. He makes me introduce myself and ask all kinds of new people out for coffee, and other things I sometimes hang back from doing. I've gotten some new work out of it, including an awesome magazine called Edible Indy I just loved working with, and started getting more involved with an organization that fights poverty and trafficking in Cambodia. I feel like my plate is suddenly full with lots of things I really love and care about, and it feels good.

Jude
There's a shift happening, and its big. He still loves trains but superheroes are making an entrance in a big way these days. I think part of its because we've been hosting our "house church" group and the kids play in the basement, and its like 10 boys all playing superhero games that's become the catalyst. We had some friends over for dinner a few nights ago and their son brought a Batmobile and Batman. Jude begged for one after he left and you know what we did? Mr. and Mrs. "Be-Happy-With-What-You-Have-And-Stop-Asking-For-Toys?" We marched that boy to Target and hooked him up. We are so happy to hear "I'm gonna SHOOT you!! And then save the WORLD! Ready, aim, FIRE!" And devious laughs. Still absolutely peppered with "choo-choo's!" but still, its a process:) He's also growing, like, really fast. We measure the kids on the bathroom doorframe and noticed he'd grown almost an inch in a month. His art skills have gone from zero to sixty this winter, too. He used to ask us to draw trains 500 times a day, and cry when he tried to draw one and would crumple in the floor and scream "I can't!" So we practiced circles and rectangles and triangles and all that good stuff that goes into a train, and he just got busy and took off. He draws GOOD trains now and furiously cuts them out and tapes them all over the house. It's pretty stink in' cute:)

Ada
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love her age. She's 20 months now. This time in a toddler's life is just adorable. Everything is funny or interesting to her. Except her teeth, and she's been working on her eye teeth and they are killing her at times. She's extremely into books and hurls them into our laps, screaming incoherent orders and climbing up for a reading session. She and Jude get into fights sometimes and she's started being the one to provoke in some cases, which has in turn made Jude a pretty massive tattletale. She's generally really happy and laid-back and we're having lots of fun with her. She and Jude are total buddies and I've gotten some good shots of them over the holidays that I'll post.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were both great, and New Years was so fun down in Brown County with the siblings and cousins. Lots and lots of good memories were made. These are good, good years we're in, aren't they?

Happy Half Bday, Ada!

Ada is 18 months old today. How did this happen?? It feels like yesterday Ted and I were huddled over that spanish pregnancy test, and now we've got a full-blown little lady galloping around the house!

I really like 18 months. Its when I feel like I truly know my kids. Of course I know them before then, but this is the magical time when their little personalities shine through and I can count on how they'll react and what to expect and what their little hearts are like. I don't want to compare Ada to Jude but I have to; they're so much alike! Ada has his gentle spirit. She has his caring heart, and his long fingers, and most of his FACE except her rounder, more flirty and feminine eyes. She has his sensitivity to people and situations. She cries when other kids get hurt and cry. Maybe because it freaks her out, but I choose to believe its because she's sympathetic:)

She's a great sleeper. 8pm to nearly 8am everyday, and a killer nap in the afternoons. She LOVES her bed and seems so genuinely relieved when I put her down in it. My mom gave me a pillowcase that I embroidered with pink flowers (I was like, 12 years old and it shows!). I put it on Ada's pillow last week and almost cried when I laid her sweet head on it...I'm so happy I have a daughter to share a pink flowery pillowcase with, and a lifetime of endless girly stuff to pass along and bits of womanly wisdom I've tried to retain, in case I had a girl of my own someday to listen. There are so many undesirable parts of me that I don't want Ada to see or inherit, but a piece of me is always looking for myself in her, and always looking for the parts that are uniquely hers.

She's a good eater. She loves, um, nearly everything. She stomps into the kitchen when I'm at the stove, clings to my leg and peers up at me until I get her up on my hip to check out what's cooking. She points and babbles about each boiling pot and samples just about anything. My favorite is when I hold a fork out to her--loaded with food--and she runs to me from across the room with her mouth wide open! (this will result in an injury someday) She's getting super good with a fork. And one of her favorite (and only) words in "milk," which kind of sounds like "yuck" but we get it:) She's also a big talker, she just needs to learn English. Ted and I joke that she's a Samurai warrior, because she walks around shouting Japanese-sounding phrases with threatening arm gestures and a furrowed brow sometimes. What's up, Ada? You want some of this?

She really seems to like new places and venues, which is different from Jude. Her curiosity is a bit bolder than his was at this age. There are never tears or clinginess when I drop her off at Mothers Day Out or the church nursery or a friend's house for babysitting. She just beelines to a cool new toy and gets busy. She doesn't need a lot to keep her occupied, and can sit and flip through a book or play alone for quite a while. She loves Veggie Tales movies and probably watches them more than she should, and breaks out in a huge grin and a little swaying dance when you sing her the theme song:) She loves playing outside. No matter how hot or cold, she tries (and sometimes succeeds) in breaking out of the house to tromp around in the backyard, kicking soccer balls and playing house and yanking leaves off plants and just screaming skyward with her arms over her head. OMG she's cute!!!

She adores her big brother. She follows him around the house, trying to join in on a game of trains or building tracks. Someday he'll wise up and let her play with him (just not today). She innocently grabs his toys and when he snatches them back, she knows exactly the look to give me, coupled with a wounded cry, to get me to scoop her up and nuzzle her back to contentment. They have screaming contests that would break glass, but their giggles during the game and approving looks at one another's pitch keeps me from stopping them very often. They've recently started hugging. When Jude initiates, Ada shoves him away. When Ada initiates, Jude squeezes her back and sighs "Oh, Ada..." and then freaks out when she tries again. "ONE hug, Ada!" The best is when she absentmindedly pats his shoulder while they're watching TV, or when he holds his banana out to her and she takes a bite:)

Ada loves to giggle! And she's easy:) Funny faces and noises get her every time. She loves cuddling and the best time of day is bedtime. She straddles me and buries her head on my chest, sticks her 2 fingers in her mouth, and practically purrs while I rock her and stroke her hair. She's a lover and a snuggler and a truster.

Ada Nee-Nee, you have our hearts completely. We thank God for entrusting us with your sweet little self. You add immeasurable joy to every single day. You are THE most beautiful girl I've ever seen and we love you from here to forever.

October Highlights

Whoa, its been a while since I've updated the blog (or my food blog for that matter) but today, they are both getting updated if its the last thing I do! Let's see, October....

It kicked off with a wedding down in Nashville. My dear friend Lynne married a great guy (that we went to high school with, so the groom is a friend as well!) and had the prettiest day/weekend ever to tie the knot. She had a bridesmaid brunch at this awesome little cafe called Fiddlecakes, a gorgeous rehearsal dinner at Arrington Vineyards (I think it belongs to Brooks of Brooks and Dunn, remember them?) and the most perfect wedding. The ceremony was in the garden behind an old historic home in downtown Franklin and we just danced the night away afterwards!


Speaking of October weddings in Nashville, Ted and I celebrated our 6th anniversary this month too:) Man, time seems to be speeding up. Sometimes I can't believe its been 6 years already...but then sometimes I can! We've lived in 3 houses and 2 apartments and had 3 cats (God rest 2 of their souls) and visited 8 countries and changed jobs and careers and driven 9 (yes I counted) cars and had 2 babies, and that seems like a lot for just six years! I wonder what the next 60+ years have in store for us:) I have learned a few things in these first 6 years, but the biggest thing I've learned is that I'm dang lucky.

What else? Our dear dear DEAR friends Nathan and Kate came to visit us. When we hugged goodbye in Cochabamba we seriously thought that was it, but we were laughing that I guess our friendship is meant to be because this is the third time we've seen them since then! They've stopped in the US 3 times now going back and forth between Australia and Bolivia, and they came through for 4 days last week and stayed with us. They just had their 4th and I think final baby--a boy this time!--and we had the best time. Since they've seen Indy there was no pressure to bustle around showing them stuff, so we just leisurely hung out. Ted took a day off work and we strolled around Mass Ave. and went out for lunch, and cooked a lot at home, and took the kids out for ice cream and duck-feeding, and had some wine around the backyard fire at night, and watched 6 kids run around the house like crazy! They are doing such great things in Bolivia through their Roots Association (want to visit Bolivia? Nathan knows a great place for fresh goat milk) and we just love any time spent with them. You know those friends you have that are just the real deal...the ones that you can share anything with and who just make you better by being around you? Nathan and Kate are those kind:)






We let the kids choose a pumpkin. We just went over to Locally Grown Gardens at 54th and the Monon and got a nice one, and some of their bomb Italian coffee. Ada screeched and ran wildly up and down the rows of pumpkins until she pulled a huge one off the table onto herself and then she was done:) She absolutely loves Fall! She stoops down and picks up a leaf every time we walk outside, and waves it around festively.


We carved them last night. Well, Ted and I did the work while the kids had a dance party in the living room.

We also went to the Halloween festival in Irvington (no pictures, sorry) and had dinner in Fountain Square, and Ted took us to the coolest little coffee shop ever called Calvin Fletcher Coffee Co. near downtown, where Jude inhaled a chocolate chip cookie the size of his head.

Ted went hunting a couple weekends ago and shot a deer with a BOW and ARROW. Ladies, I've got myself a MAN! His buddy Sam came over last night with the meat, so I'm currently in the process of dreaming up some deer recipes.



Tomorrow is Halloween, and I'm excited to trick-or-treat with the kids. We just love our neighborhood and all the people in it, and we especially love raiding the kids candy buckets!

He is jealous for me

He is jealous for me.
Those are the opening words to a great song, and "He" is God. They are words that are found all over the Bible...God is a jealous God. I've heard it since I was little bitty, but lately I've really been trying to think about it.

Ted and I have, admittedly, a weird relationship with "Christian" music. To be perfectly blunt, we think a lot of it sounds awful. That's coming from people who wholeheartedly love Jesus and want to worship Him through music...but so much of it is lame! And its frustrating, because there are so many talented artists and musicians these days that are making great music that moves our souls...just not toward our Creator. So Ted and I have always been bigger fans of "secular" artists that sing occasional songs pointedly to God...Ben Harper, Johnny Cash, Amos Lee, Mumford and Sons, because the songs are GOOD and do what I think Christian artists are trying--and sometimes failing--to do: set my heart on things above.

So, the David Crowder Band, where this blog started and I got off track and talked about music that has nothing to do with anything, has this song I like to run to, and its starts "He is jealous for me." Huh? He made me.
As I'm running past beautiful Meridian-Kessler homes late at night, sometimes its easier to understand his jealousy. Gorgeous houses, manicured lawns, nice cars, remodeling signs everywhere, fancy restaurants, TV's flickering in almost every single window, To-Do lists scattered everywhere. Our schedules leave us no margins. Our planning consumes us. Our worrying and regretting diminishes Him. Pretty things seduce us. Technology distracts us. Its so crazy to me that our hearts were created to long for God, but its a DISCIPLINE to get ourselves to acknowledge Him on a daily basis, at least in this neck of the world. We've made him our last resort, instead of our first love like he's supposed to be. He is jealous for us...for our time, for our attention, for our affection, for our praise, for our submission and for our hearts. He doesn't NEED us to do His thing--He's God...He just wants us to be filled with Him--complete--so that we can hear his voice and follow it, to be a part of what he's doing in and with the world. And when I can let go of my toddler-grip on my pretty things and my precious, pressed time (Mine??), I just come back to life. The life that, praise God, does not revolve around me or my family. That's what He does. He breaks me out of the jail of always trying to ensure my own welfare and shows me He's doing huge things in His world and I can join Him if I can just look past my own nose for a second. He says our lives are just a breath. That's all. When I die, I don't want to say I just entertained myself for 80 years and hoarded every blessing he gave me...I want to say I served the God of the universe, and the people he intentionally placed around me. There is a Kingdom we cannot see with our eyes, and most days I live as though it isn't there.

I've been reading Romans this week. I love it; it sums up what I love about God: he knows and exposes the truth about me--the selfish way I'm bent--and then pushes me stumbling into His light and reminds me I'm His daughter and infinitely loved.

He is a Good Father. He waits, and his patience and mercy are endless. He watches me get tangled up with sin, and he watches me idolize myself and my children and my money and my stuff and all the things that crowd my mind and push him out hourly, and then sets me right and gives me yet another chance. That's the God I love.

"But sin didn't--and doesn't--stand a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace."
Romans 5:20

Agressive forgiveness. Don't you just crave that?

I do.