The House Goes to the Ladies!

We found out a few weeks ago that we're having another GIRL!

We've always kept the gender a surprise, so this was a switch for us. It was mostly on my initiative...Ted would always prefer a big surprise:) But after doing it that way twice, I was ready for something new. Plus, to be totally honest, I felt like I needed time to wrap my head around whatever the baby was going to be since this is the first pregnancy I've had any hopes on the gender. I know, I know--that's a horrible thing to say. But ever since last summer, there's been a big hole in my heart where a little boy was going to be, and I just wanted to fill that hole somehow, even with a different boy.

Ted and I went to a support group for miscarriages and stillbirths once, and lots of the people there had gone on to have subsequent kids (and were still attending the support group, if that tells you anything about how deep and long that scar runs). I talked to a mom afterwards about whether she was sad or relieved to have the opposite sex child after her stillbirth, and she said she was relieved. She said she believes God knows what our families need. I believe that too.

The ultrasound tech turned off the screen to label and print out the gender photo, and we sealed it in an envelope and took it home. We had a sitter lined up and a fancy dinner downtown awaiting, and had planned to open it there. But Ada came up with a fever and we picked up Bazbeaux pizza and opened it as a family instead. Jude took the picture out and Ted and I waited with baited breath as Jude furrowed his brow and read the ultrasound photo. "Burl!" he finally screamed. After some shuffling and deciphering, it turned out to be a girl:) It took a second to digest, and after it did, happiness set in. It wasn't so long ago that my prayers were fervent requests for a second chance...a heartbeat...a kick. How quickly I forget the graces stacked on me. But then I was reminded, and ended up on my knees with gratitude in the kitchen the next morning while my coffee brewed and the kids watched Cat in the Hat.

A gift. A tiny, baby girl gift. I can't WAIT to kiss her face.

21 weeks

All the Holidays...and baby

I don't know where to start, as is always the case when I let the blog get away from me for too long. All the holidays, I guess? I'm sure each one could have been an entire post, but I'll package them all up:
Halloween: 1 robot + 1 minnie mouse + too much candy
Thanksgiving: Tennessee + gobs of good food + crazy cousins + good sister time + car trouble :/

Christmas was really nice this year. We stayed in town and relaxed, eating our way from one family member's house to the next and enjoying the company. I really like being able to get our fill of both of the dynamics of Ted's extended family and mine--there are three grandkids on the Mosey side and seven on the Hensley side. Holidays in Nashville are wild and fun and filled with lots of laughing and chaos. Its so fun to all stay in the same house and have coffee by the fire in the mornings and watch each others' kids grow. (Lauren and I also discovered that our children have completely different accents this past visit! I suppose it was inevitable raising kids in Arkansas and Indiana, but man--I've really disturbed the family tree on this one...my kids are Yankees!)
Holidays in Indy are saner, with appropriate nap times and bedtimes and more space to talk and listen and savor the day. They are both completely wonderful, and that's why I'm so glad we get opportunities for both. We are more than lucky!

The news is slowly coming out that we're expecting another baby. I'm realizing how long I've been blogging when I can count 4 times I've posted that news here:-) And here it is again. I'm almost 15 weeks along and have experienced a pretty broad range of feelings so far--very very excited and thankful of course, but also very very anxious. I'm on Lovenox (anticoagulant) this time and its really not that bad, and gives me some peace of mind. But I know in my gut that no amount of Lovenox, or prenatal vitamins or yoga or finger-crossing can keep my babe completely safe. Only God can, and its a tall order to hand over to him as a mom, it is. I've caught myself blinking back tears driving to my last few dr. appointments out of fear that lightning will strike twice, and each time these verses have drowned out my thoughts loudly and unexpectedly:

"God--your God--is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; He won't leave you. Don't worry." Deut 31:6 (Message)

"The Lord your God will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard."
Isaiah 52:12

He's ahead of me and behind me. He's got my front and my back. I wasn't wracking my brain for those words--God just shoved them into my head when my thoughts started spinning out.

I still miss James. Being pregnant again really hasn't touched that. But it has changed the tone in our house, and the kids are excited and we are, too. (Ada keeps pointing to her belly and asking when she can grow a baby inside. Whoa, sister.) And I feel good. I've always thought it was amazing that I have very few pregnancy symptoms, but I kind of wish for them now! We hope to meet this baby June 30.

14 weeks

14 weeks

Summer Recap

It felt like a long summer. It was just a hard season for me, but things are slowly getting better and better. I've been on an emotional merry-go-round (not roller coaster!) because I seem to cycle back through the same lineup of feelings again and again, although with less intensity each round. Ever since we lost the baby, its gone something like this: heartbreak/sadness, completely forgetting about it, out of the blue anger, then calm perspective. Repeat. Repeat. For the record, I prefer the "Calm Perspective" phase, but I get that I'll continue to revisit those others for a while. It is what it is. But by and large-- and by the good grace of God--I'm okay.

We're all okay, actually. The summer's been peppered with lots of good stuff: Jude riding his bike (with no training wheels!), learning to write and sound out some short words, taking a big interest in robots and transformers, and really starting to be more social and excited to be with his friends. He's in his third and last year at MSPC and goes three days a week this year. He hasn't shed a single tear this year and comes home excited about his day and what he did, which makes me really happy. In fact, until recently I was pretty set on holding him back from Kindergarten til he's 6, but with how he's blossoming (I'm sorry, I can't think of another word) lately and being so eager to learn, Ted and I are considering it for next year. We've also thought about signing him up for a sport soon, since he's been eyeing some of the older boys on the playground by our house lately while they practice. We registered for flag football lessons but it didn't end up working out since there weren't enough kids registered, so we might apply it to some baseball lessons later. I feel like he's getting to an age where life starts speeding up, and filling with more activities. I've sort of resisted busy schedules with the kids...I don't know why. Childhood is so short, and there's something precious to me about being able to wake up a few days a week and ask the kids, "What do you want to do today?"I want to keep away the "tyranny of the urgent" as long as possible I guess. Or maybe I'm just super lazy and like to sleep in and hang out in my PJ's until lunch, and now I have people to do it with:)

Ada is at school once a week and loves it. Like, LOVES it. I thought about putting her in Jude's co-op since she's old enough now, but if I was co-oping for 2 kids, I'd be there all the time. So she's just in CDI, but its across the hall from Jude's class and she has so much fun. Apparently, she's potty trained at school, but not at home. Hmm. When I try to get her to go potty at home, she actually yells her teacher's name and runs away from me.

She and I have "girls day" Mondays and Fridays now while Jude's gone, and its awesome. She's a funny, funny girl and we're starting to have some intelligible conversations now, which makes me equally proud of how big she's becoming and equally want to put a lid on her head to stop her!

What else? Ted and I went to Chicago for a quick getaway in July and did all the UN-kid-friendly stuff we could squeeze in: long slow walks with no destination, an hour's wait for deep dish pizza, a loud bar for a beer, high heels, newspaper at breakfast, kayaking.

Jude (and Ada, when her words allow) has been begging to go camping, so we borrowed a huge, sweet tent from some friends and drove to our friend Sam's hunting property near Ohio a couple weeks ago and had a blast. I think the key to it all was keeping it short and sweet. We got there late afternoon, set up the tent, built a fire, Ted and Jude caught a fish and threw it back, we made dinner, played with sticks, pee-peed in the woods, made s'mores, Ted told a spooky campfire story at night about Dora and Diego (I can't let him see this before I publish it!), went crazy with flashlights in the tent for a while before going to sleep, and we packed up and left when we woke up. Wham, bam. They did awesome and had the time of their lives, and it was really nice to do something different.

The boys went to the Colts preseason game. Jude is digging the game more and more each year.

 

To celebrate Gramp's 65th birthday, the whole (Mosey) family went to New Buffalo, MI for a weekend. The kids had fun playing at the beach, checking out the lake, and making some memories with their cousin Annabel.

Ted went to Mexico with his brother Pete over the summer too, and they built a house for a family. I'm really happy they got to spend some time together, and Ted said it was a great trip. He's still full steam ahead with school, and he's in his third quarter now and finishes in April after a trip to Europe with his class. I've been pretty busy with work, and its a lot easier to get done now that school started back up and I have some time alone. It didn't come a day too soon...Ada actually clung to my leg hysterically screaming "POOP!" during my last phone interview with a renowned chef, God love her. I'm also taking a class at Butler this fall. Its a fiction writing workshop and a writer friend of mine recommended I apply. I've never thought about writing fiction, but I'm really excited to take an actual writing class (the professor is also a novelist) and be on a college campus again.

So, the summer had its ups and downs. We hosted our annual block bbq last weekend, which we always do at the very end of summer to kick off the Fall. I say this every year, but I'm READY! Bring on the cooler weather and new season. 

James

If you're reading our family blog, you're probably a pretty good friend of ours and already know most of the details of our last month. Just in case you don't, here's the short(ish) version:

Ted and I went to our 20 week ultrasound on June 19th and discovered the baby didn't have a heartbeat. The doctors determined the baby stopped growing around the late 16th/early 17th week of my pregnancy. Because the miscarriage happened so far along, we ended up inducing labor and delivering the baby. That day was probably--well, no definitely--the most difficult day I've had yet. We had a boy. We got to hold him and name him James and then let him go. 

20 weeks is a long time to expect something. And not just something--someone, someone that was supposed to be a part of your family forever and that you'd been making plans for, and talking to, and praying over, and eating for, and growing with. I expected him. I wanted him. I wanted to raise him and kiss him and see if he had the Mosey dimple in his chin. I wanted to drag myself into his room at 2am and feed him, grumbling on the outside but feeling impossibly happy and blessed on the inside. I wanted the opportunity to be his mom. Ted and I will probably grieve that loss for a long, long time. Maybe forever.

I did get some insight into the miscarriage a few days ago. One of my blood tests showed I have Factor 5 Leiden, which is a genetic blood disorder that means I'm at a higher risk for clotting than most people, particularly during pregnancy when blood volume increases. A blood clot could have gotten into the placenta or the cord. Nobody knows for sure, but it’s a definite possibility for Factor 5 moms, and I met with a hematologist that I'll have to work alongside for any future pregnancies. You don't have to do anything for Factor 5 during "regular" life, but I'd have to give myself blood thinner shots during pregnancy or any kind of prolonged immobilization. (Ugh) It is good to know, though. 

Somehow in the middle of this loss, we noticed we are finding things, too. We have found that we are surrounded by extremely compassionate friends and family members that care deeply about us and our family. Like, blown away by the concern and support we've gotten through this. Ted and I have not felt alone or isolated for one second. Friends have cried with us and spoken the most healing words to us. Gallons of coffee and lots of tears have been shared at our dining room table these past few weeks, and for those of you who occupied those chairs or sent us encouragement: thank you. Those moments were gold to me. They rebuilt me. 

I've found there are dangers and risks associated with motherhood and I'm more than willing to take those risks--and even lose to them--to know the depth of joy that that it brings to me. I know that my God doesn't make mistakes in numbering anybody’s days, that He can take my anger and accusations, and that He'll still walk slowly with me down that road until my anger gives way to peace. 

He knows what its like to lose a son.

He’s still good to me, even when I have to look harder to see it. There's way too much life and hope and miracles abounding all around me to ever deny that.

For now, my heart is still heavy and there are definitely hours when my bitterness gets the best of me. My heart is completely broken for not just us, but for anyone that has gone through this. But I know that it has to fit in somewhere, somehow. My favorite name given to God in the Bible is the Author of Life. I love thinking of Him as a writer, and it gives me a lot of comfort to know this is part of my story, my book, that began and ends with Him. He has James now, and that just gives me another reason to long for Heaven.

A friend of mine shared some new research with me that was discovered the same month of the miscarriage. Researchers found that fetal cells cross the placenta and get into the mom’s system and stay there forever. Whether the baby was born or miscarried, thousands of their cells remain and have been found concentrated in areas of illness in the mom’s body, fighting off disease for her for the rest of her life. We shared a little cry over it. How amazing. Our babies are part of us forever, literally.

http://lauragraceweldon.com/2012/06/12/mother-child-are-linked-at-the-cellular-level/

I know that everyone has their own burdens and trials, and we thank you so much for hitting pause on yours and coming to help us shoulder ours lately. 

Our hearts are healing faster for it. 

I have no doubt we’ll keep finding things that James’ life—however tiny and short—has taught us. 

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”

James 1:2-4

Birthday Season

I had good intentions to create separate slideshows for Jude and Ada, since they both recently celebrated birthdays. But alas, each time I've sat down to start making them, I end up bogged down in emails or researching story assignments or looking at photos of Jessica Simpson's baby or something, and I've realized its not going to happen right now!

So I will paraphrase the last year of their little lives.

Jude turned 4. What a big guy! He learned to do so many new things this past year physically (I saw him ride a bike without training wheels this week!) but what impresses me most is what he's learned emotionally. He is seriously one of my best friends. Being home with the kids all day, I've become so grateful for another "person" in the house, one that talks WITH me and makes me laugh and think and answer questions. He is sensitive and intuitive; he picks up extremely quickly on others' moods and responds accordingly. He is increasingly mechanical and can do puzzles and take apart/put together toys and machines better than I can, and seems to take a lot of pleasure in struggling through making something fit together or function and then triumphantly announcing, "And that's how it works!" He is a good friend and is extremely loyal, and prefers to play in a group of 2 or 3 kids rather than a huge crowd. He reasons well, and often asks me about things and then accepts the answer and never asks me again, and I'll catch him explaining it to Ada later. He takes really well to discipline, and earns our trust more every day. We entrust him with a lot, and tell him so, and he really rises to responsibility when we give him the chance. Recently, I've been letting him cross the street alone to go to our neighbor's house when he wants to go play or I need to borrow a lemon or something. It's not a busy street, but nevertheless its a street he could get smushed on, and even though I stand inside the storm door and watch him, his adorable exaggerated left-and-right checks for cars and the pride on his sweet face when he takes off across the street...its priceless. He helps out a ton with Ada. I hear him telling her how things work, and telling her that if she screams again it will make mom mad and hurt our ears, and reassuring her she's not in trouble if we correct her and she cries, and ordering her back into timeout when she sneaks out, and popping grapes into his mouth when she's refusing her lunch and saying, "See? It's yummy and good for your body! Don't you want to grow big and strong?" He tells her she's special and he tells her God loves her, and he says he'll pray out loud before lunch on Ada's behalf until she can talk and pray herself. He has an uncanny ability to interpret her needs for me. He will still snuggle Ted and I until he's blue in the face. His bedtime routine involves back scratches and me singing his favorite lineup of songs: Daisy Daisy, I've Been Working on the Railroad, and Amazing Grace. (When Ted puts him to bed, his routine involves being made into a human burrito and devoured--different styles:) He's just the best. Sure, he's a kid and he has his moments of insanity, but that boy is pure joy to us. He is so much like Ted.

Ada turned 2. And that apple falls a little closer to this tree, in terms of her personality! We used to think she was just like Jude, but here lately she has become her own little person and its hilarious. She is sweet and spunky and FUNNY! She also takes well to correction (she will RUN to timeout if you say the word and freezes when she hears the word "no") and she loves to make us laugh. And loves TO laugh. She's a big, big fan of slapstick humor. If you really get her going, I've seen her laugh so hard she's had tears in her eyes and can hardly breathe. She vacillates between being extremely gentle and extremely rough (lovingly pat-pats her baby doll to sleep and then violently flings it against the wall) and LOVES TV. The  girl can watch movies all.day.long. Her nose is in a book for hours each day while she narrates loudly in her own little half English, half Toddler language. She sings songs with us and dances with great abandon around the house! She's starting to string 3 or 4 word sentences together and its lovely to know what she's thinking or wants. She wakes up in the best mood, practically chirping and smiling and jumping in her bed when I come in (we'll see how that mood jives with Jude's morning mood once they share a room!) She's getting girly...there's been lots more digging in my makeup bag, purse-weilding, and accessorizing here lately. She's also developed a sassy temper lately too, so we shall see what 2 holds in store for her! Luckily, its normally short-lived. We started potty training, then stopped. We had a pink chart on the wall, and stickers, and some excited wiggling on the potty seat, and the whole 9, and then nothing. She cries when I  ask if she wants to go potty, big heaving sobs in my lap screaming "Nooo Mommy!" So, whatever that means. Overall, Silly Goose is just the term that pops into my head most often to describe her. I just love her. I love who she is. She's ours, and she's laughter and light in our house.

Happy Birthday to my babies. 

Trying To Listen

This post might be a bit on the heavy side, so if you're skimming for an easy, breezy update, you might want to skip this one!

Over the past several months, and specifically maybe the past 3, God is teaching me (us) some things. I've been tossing them around in my head and talking about them with a few friends, and I thought it would be a good idea to share them here in the remote possibility my personal lessons are relevant to someone else out there! Or maybe they are just especially for me. In any event...I will title these little nuggets and present them to you:)


"He's Not Like That"

It's about to get real up in here, because this one is rather gut-spilling. In January, I was presented an opportunity to travel to Cambodia with a very small group of wonderful people. Some way, somehow, God concocted a trip with people I really liked, going somewhere I really wanted to go, working toward a cause I really cared about, by doing a project that was right up my alley (writing and food). I had some reservations about the cost and about being that far away from my family, but ultimately, it was another reason that I said no. I said no because I wanted to get pregnant. With some things happening next year, Ted and I decided we'd either try for baby 3 right away, or else we'd need to put it off for 8 or so months in order to have a baby at an "ideal" time (feel free to smirk at the obvious control illusion here). Knowing that God had created this opportunity for me to serve Him and a small part of his family and even having clearly heard from Him while praying that I should go, I chose to stay home and pounce on the small "make a baby NOW" window. I felt a little sick to my stomach at my clear disobedience, but pressed on with my own plans. You know the rest of the story. I got pregnant. When I saw those two pink lines in the upstairs bathroom that February morning, I had to have a little cry. Not over the excitement of a pregnancy, but at the twisted notion of God I'd carried in my head in the weeks prior. In the back of my mind, I thought He would "punish" me for my disobedience and selfishness, by not giving me what I was chasing. That I wouldn't get pregnant because I didn't deserve it. And I had to have a couple of tears over it, because the intensely liberating, humbling truth sank in that He's not like that. He's not like me, holding wrongs over other people's heads, paying them back for offenses. His love "keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Cor. 13:5. Praise God, He's not like me. How could we worship anyone that was? Long story short--and don't get me wrong--I'm overjoyed about expecting another baby! But the point is, He lets us choose. My choice may have gotten me what I wanted in this moment, but it came at the cost of missing out on something He had for me at the time He picked, that could have resulted in huge blessings to me, to Him and to other people, and maybe even changed a bit of my story in later chapters. I'll never know. But I do know He loves me, whatever decisions I make. He doesn't punish with fury; he teaches with love. And He doesn't think I'm a hopeless waste of time. And He showed me a bit more of His character. "His mercies are new every morning." Lam. 3:22. Even mornings you don't deserve them.

"Better than a Porche"

I said a prayer a few weeks ago, and almost as an afterthought, I tacked on something kind of weird. I asked for something really, kind of obnoxiously specific. I asked for Him to put me in a situation, and then assured him I would hold up my end of the bargain if I ever found myself in said situation (ever pulled those classic "If you...then I'll" type prayers??) My end of the bargain included discussing my faith with someone. I had already deemed this encounter unlikely by the time I finished the prayer. How's that for faith? So I went about life, and events transpired, and one night I found myself involved in the exact circumstance I had asked for that was super unlikely. Now, I've looked back over life and seen God answer my prayers over long periods of time, or recognized answers much later. BUt this the first time I've just been hammered with the answer unfolding in real time, and I was a little caught off guard! I mustered my courage and held up my end. Nothing magnificent happened then...no fireworks or flashes of lightning, but something magnificent happened in me. I felt seen and I felt heard by the God of the universe. There's really nothing better than that, at least that I can think of. It gave me confidence to start asking for more, with a more believing heart. I didn't ask for a Porche, I asked for an opportunity to talk about Him with a friend. He's teaching me that if we ask for something that honors Him, he will likely honor our requests.


"Cash Money"

So Ted and I have been dealing with some financial stuff lately (how's that for honesty?) I won't pretend we're millionaires, because we're not. I also won't pretend we're eating Ramen noodles every night. We are certainly better off than most of the world, and its been a struggle to find balance and steward our resources the way Jesus said to. I used to think that money was a private matter, even private from God. It's not, though. It's so not. The way we spend our money speaks directly of our hearts, and that applies across the board, across the world. God gives us resources with the expectation that it will flow through us to others in need. I have read lots of books this year that have made me so uncomfortable I didn't want to finish them (Radical by David Platt, anyone??) because they dared to question my iPhone-wielding, Target-wandering, latte-sipping lifestyle that I defend as modest to myself all the time. Actually, I could leave a much larger margin for helping others than I do, but I pretend I simply "can't" because my culture lies to me about what's normal and reasonable to have. But God doesn't lie to me. He tells me truth, and my heart half-sinks, half-soars because I know its the truth but Satan colors my world in a jealous, green tint called Comparison. And Comparison looks like a cover girl, but she's really an ugly b**** that feeds us all a steady diet of misery. "Comparison is the thief of joy." So what God is trying to teach me (us)--some days successfully and some days hopelessly--is to fix our eyes on Him. To trust Him with our money. To take Him literally when he says its not an option but a requirement to take care of other people, a requirement that it should be our joy to do! CS Lewis says in Screwtape Letters that prosperity knits a man to the world. That's not what I want to be knit to, to the things in the world. I want to be knit to the God who made the things in the world. So God is teaching us to talk to Him about our money and what's wise to do with it. Which feels intrusive, but why? If Jude wanted to talk to me about how to spend the allowance I gave him, of course I would! I would have given him that allowance in an effort to form him into a mature person, so I have to conclude God gave us resources and wants to be intimately involved in their whereabouts because he's using them to form us into mature people who look "not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others." Its never about my money. Its always about my heart. There's a lot more to say, but its late. Thanks for listening:)

Florida and New Baby

We had a great "Second Annual Mosey Family Spring Fling" in Florida. Yes, that's what I'm calling it. I'm telling you, the panhandle of Florida is heaven in April. We maintained our lucky weather streak of all sunshiny, no rain or cloudy days again this year, hooray! The drive was good and very manageable, and the kids were awesome. We saw Memaw and G-daddy on the way down, and just G-daddy on the way back up. I finally got the fried bologna sandwich I'd been craving...my dad whipped some up at 10pm when we got into Nashville :)

Jude has been talking about/asking about "the green house" (the house we rent is green) ever since last year. Ted and I have found it uncanny the facts and details he remembers from last year, especially since he was TWO years old! He described in vivid detail the "silly" jets in the jacuzzi tub, the sand pails and shovels in the closet, the stairs at the pool he wanted to jump off, the "slippery" sand, and the bunk bed he couldn't wait to sleep on. For the first 48 hours of our trip, his only method of locomotion was a full sprint and his only volume was a full scream. He was wound up like a clock. Another tiny detail from last year that his little brain managed to capture was the box of Fruit Loops dad bought for breakfast. It was declared a tradition, and Jude munched his way through an entire box again this year. Our agenda was mostly alternating between the pool and the beach, napping, reading, watching Lifetime movies, playing Gin Rummy, and going to dinner. We went out to some favorite spots to eat, including a family favorite, The Back Porch. My sister Renee was in Destin the week before us (her kids were on Spring Break) and texted me a picture of a huge plate of steaming crab legs from The Back Porch. So Ted and I went for the kill, cracking and dipping and stuffing our faces with 2 lbs each of crab legs and praying the kids didn't unravel during the process. They held out, and I left there with butter stains on my sundress and a big smile on my face!

We brought our bikes, which was kind of a pain traveling but worth it. We got in two days of long rides down the boardwalk, stopping for coffees and ice cream and enjoying a break from the Monon. The got to see our friends Brad and Taryn, who moved there from Indy, for dinner one night, and drove to Seaside again for the afternoon once. Very fun, very relaxing! I just love it there.

I haven't mentioned it on the blog yet, but we're expecting another baby! I'm 11 weeks, due November 8th. We had a doctor's appointment a few weeks ago and everything looks to be good so far. I've felt really good, which is a huge blessing and totally lucky thing, especially with having 2 others to wrangle. Ada is clueless about the new baby and Jude seems to really be into it...he keeps kissing my belly (how cute is that!?) and talking into my belly button, mostly about showing it his silver train when it comes out:) He seems to adamantly want another sister, and to name her Ada. We keep patiently explaining why that would be confusing.

We are about positive this will be the last kid for us. This was the first kid that was a question of "if" rather than "when." Cheesy, I know, but I've just had that feeling that we're not all here, you know? Plus, Ted and I are both the youngest of three, so we know something good is on the way:) We also both really loved the size of our families, and want to re-create that for the kids if we can. We're fully aware the first few years are going to be exhausting, but we're trying not to base our decision on those tough first years. They will all be pretty close in age, but for us, its better to just rip off the band-aid! It will be hard, and then it will be awesome:) That's my mantra! Plus, I feel like my heart might burst when I look at Jude and Ada sometimes, because they are so precious to me. I want that one more time. And I'm so thankful its happening.