Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Mommy Loves Jude Hammy

I was thinking today how much I love my son. I don't love him because he's well-behaved. I don't love him because he's cute, or because he's smart, or because of his smile, or because of his sweet nature. I would love him if he didn't have any of that stuff. I just love him because he's mine. Teddy and I made the best little boy imaginable, and it fills me with joy to know that he's always going to be ours, and we get to love him forever.
You know, I imagined I would like being a mom, but I had no idea I would love it better than anything else I've done. I've fallen in love with Ted all over again, watching him transition from a husband into a father--a fantastic father. I've fallen in love with Jude Hammy (Hamilton seems a little regal for an infant;) and have never anticipated a sound or a smile or a touch as much as I do with him. My life turned upside down when he came along, and a lot of the selfish parts fell out along with that. At the risk of sounding way too cliche, he makes me want to be a better person, because I know his little eyes are watching me and learning to live the same way I do. I pray that I'll be the right example and that Jude can learn even from my mistakes, because God knows I make a ton of them. I want him to know that he's loved. I want him to know that we expect great successes from him, and also great failures, because they're both part of being alive and we learn from them equally. I want him to find out what his gifts are, and chase down a life that uses them. I want him to know God well, and to pursue him with the same passion that He pursues Jude. I want him to be outwardly focused and love past himself, because focusing inward is a recipe for ruin. I want him to do so much with his life...I've never hoped so much for someone before.
So Jude, if you read this someday (provided I've taught you to read!), I have loved you since the moment I first thought of you, and I promise to try my hardest to be the Mom you deserve.